EMERGENCY CONTACTS aka “Ill Communication Breakdowns”

EMERGENCY CONTACTS
Aka
ILL COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWNS

     In the parlance and vernacular of the rental housing industry, EMERGENCIES are generally defined as “fire, flood, or blood”. Due to the articulate alliteration and the increasingly foreboding intonation, the phrase is a neat and tidy summation of the reasons you can and should contact management during, before, and after our regular hours of operation. However, here at 574 3rd St – Central Apartments, we also include quiet hour noise violations, relighting the pilot lights of stoves and/or heaters, problems with any of the entry/exit doorsa toilet that is constantly flushing, beeping or blaring smoke alarms or carbon monoxide alarms, smelling a gaseous odor, and/or if the building’s fire alarm system is annoyingly beeping. Alas, despite the panic-inducing unpleasantness and accompanying existential panic attack, lockouts are not considered emergencies! But more on that later. {Editor’s note: WAY later.} {Editor’s note to the previous note: Or not at all!}

     For EMERGENCY purposes, the following (+/- 15 minutes) are the days and times that, barring sick and vacation days, I am available to respond to text messages (205-476-2871), emails ( 574centralapts@gmail.com ), and phone calls (415-981-2605):

Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday: 9:45 am – 6 pm
Saturday: 11 am – 3 pm

     Should an emergency occur on a Wednesday or Sunday, and during the dates and times when I am not working, please contact our on-site employee Milton “Milt” Phelps (415-999-1895). Milt resides in apartment # 116, but please be courteous and send him a text or call him before knocking on his door. Should you have to text or call Milt, please make sure you identify yourself and your apartment number, as Milt isn’t as familiar with you as I am, and his lack of computer skills means he doesn’t have access to your phone numbers/emails.

      We also have a backup emergency number, (415) 203-3860, should Milt be unavailable or unable to answer your call/text quickly. Please bear in mind that this backup emergency number should only be considered as the phone equivalent of a “break glass in case of emergency” situation, so only for the more extreme end of the emergency spectrum, the aforementioned “fire, flood, blood”*

Ok, that’s the basic gist of what I wanted to communicate to y’all after the barrage of text messages and emails I received from Wednesday at approximately 10:25 am – my arrival today regarding the ceaseless, annoying beeping coming from our fire alarm box located near the main entrance. Since I know you’re thinking it, San Francisco Fire Protection, who installed and tested our fire alarms and is responsible for our 24-Hour UL monitoring and service, pinned the blame on a PG&E snafu that led to the utter breakdown their wireless system, though that doesn’t explain why they didn’t have a backup power source for just this type of power failure.

*The more I type that the more I imagine it coming from the mind of a really-real writer, someone akin to G.R.R. Martin and not some schlubby, boring property mngr.

P.S. The bits I am including below do not convey any important information that you should def put into your phones, but since some of you claim to enjoy my excess verbiage, poor grammar, meandering discourse, copious footnotes and, IM-not-so-HO, terribly terrible “writing”, here are some early drafts that were mercifully cut from the above as they were taking WAY too long to get to the damn point.

Please, do not enjoy them.

For serious, if you want to read stuff from writers who can and do pull off my writing schtick lemme know and I’ll give you what I consider to be the real writing deal. 
Super Summer Solstice,

And terrific Thor’s Day to everyone reading.* I am writing this here blog post as there seems to be some confusion regarding my schedule, when you can and should text or email or call me in emergency situations, and when you should call or text our on-site employee Milton Phelps. My deepest apologies for not making this clear to you during the lease signing, in the many (oh so many) pages of your lease, in my emails to you, in the letters taped on your door, on our many sites around the intertubes, and on our office door. While it may seem like I’m being a tad snarktastic (it’s because I am) it’s not like I expect you to remember my schedule as I know you all have your own lives, loves, troubles, interests, hobbies, jobs, shag mates, family, friends, co-workers, commitments…you know, the whole kit and kaboodle that makes your life yours. But maybe, just maybe, your big smarty-pants brainpans will absorb this or you’ll have it handily stored in your extended memory devices and thus when things do what things do and go awry your future-selves can be saved future frustrations and you won’t end up wasting your precious time trying to contact someone who cannot receive your urgent communique.

As you should be well aware by now, you know I do not live on-site; but did you also know that I live in Oakland, don’t have a driver’s license, and that I am not your resident manager but instead your property manager? Now, to you, assumed neophyte to the lingo of housing professionals**, this may seem like a matter of semantics and of little to no import but rest assured, it’s a pretty big distinction, and with the rise of newspeak words matter now just as much if not more so than ever. So!

Resident Manager – Milton Phelps – Our on-site***

*This intro only applies if you’re reading this on June 20th, and if said June 20th falls on a Thursday.
**Don’t fret, even supposed housing pros blow this crucial distinction.
***Though not all the time! As a former on-site resident manager, I cannot stress enough how we’re allowed to have a life and leave the property and, to really blow your minds, on-site resident managers have the right to turn off their phones for 6-hours a day! (Supposed to be continuous and @ night so we can get interrupted shut-eye, though I never turned my phone off when I was an on-site resident manager and I don’t think Milt does either.) Just think about it for a sec and then flashback to any HR training and mandated off-time/rest-time. 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: